06.29.10 <3 comment!
[1]
i'm giving you second chances that you never even a s k e d
for but you're blowing them off with a four-worded text. i
have always deserved better, but now i want better, as well.
[2]
if i keep my distance, maybe you'll start to miss me. maybe you'll glance over
as i laugh - head thrown back, discombobulated beats. maybe you'll wish you
knew why. maybe you'll get the urge to text me, like you used to and be remin-
ded that you can't, not anymore. and maybe then you'll feel the urge to make
things right. maybe when you see my shining eyes you'll start to care. that's
always been my goal, you know. i've always just wanted you t o c a r e .
[3]
i don't talk about you anymore. i don't incline my head your direction in
the hallway. i can pass you without giving a second glance, you've taught
me to do that. i wish i was as strong as i portray myself. i wish i didn't give
you a million second thoughts in the place of every second glance i resist.
i wish i could love the people right in front of me, instead of being stuck on
someone who walked away long ago. or worse, someone who was m a y b e
never even there to begin with. ♥
[4]
happily ever afters and white horses and shining armor? tiaras and sparkling
raindrops and a lover's touch that feels like fire? i know all that isn't probable.
i know it comes from the world of fairytales and forbidden fantasies and doesn't
hold a prominent place on this earth. but i think it's all possible. i think that
possibility is enough to keep trying for. i think they call this h o p e .
[5]
i'm not naive. i was just built to see the world
as beautiful.♥
[6]
i take myself into a world where i can express every aspect of my pyramidal personality
to him, because in reality, i'm trapped inside a fog of my own insecurities. who i am
when i'm alone is all i want to show, but somehow he makes me flip inside out.
[7]
i can't reach out to you when i need all my appendages wrapped
around my core just to stay together. this is the consequence of
your nonsensical disturbances. this is what happens to me when
you leave, and this is why i can't pull you b a c k .
[8]
walking down the side of the road, trying to peer into every tinted
car window to see if you could be staring back through the rearview
mirror. i just want to know if you'll be watching me as you go away.
i just want to puncture your tires so you'll have no excuse not to stay.
i just want to coil the engine wires around you so you won't be able
to avoid the issue. but i'm slowly discovering that i want you e v e n
more than i want answers.
[9]
i think i love you because you don't confine me into any generalization or
stereotype or mode of behavior. you're never surprised at my antics, you
know there are multiple facets, multiple prisms creating the sparkling
light within my skin. you know i have the capacity to be infinitely good,
and you have no trouble accepting that daredevil spark, that delves me
towards society's wrong. you know that my mind ticks and clogs just like
everyone else's, but with fast leaps and discombobulating intervals. and
everyone else, they see me inside a box of the traits they know, invariable
and unchanging. they see the behaviors but they don't see the intentions,
the intuition, the indecisiveness behind the action. they see me as one
thing entirely, not a combination of qualities and spiders and butterflies.
you don't give me limits in your mind, and i love you for that. i love you
for the freedom you give to my inner workings.
[10]
so i brush that sparkling polish across every nail, nicking the stray lumps off
with the edge of my right pinky. i attend every sports practice, i show up to class
with my homework completed, arranging every paper in chronological order
with the ninety-degree angles aligned. i laugh throughout bites of nachos and
pizza, forming a melodic chorus to this everyday life. i hope you're watching as
i smile at the tall boy who wraps his arm around my waist. i do everything for
the sake of pretending to live without you. (it's all an act.)
[11]
so i think up excuses for you as the clock ticks on and i remain alone.
i think of every possible excuse, and i think of a way i would have gotten
around it had i been in your shoes. and now i realize, there really is no
excuse. you made me feel so much without the actions to b a c k i t u p .
[12]
too many guns are held by shaking hands. and too many people use fear
as a c o m m o d i t y to fuel their destructive impulses. too few people be-
come scared, and then try to prevent that fear from reaching others.
we need to protect everyone else from what we've already been through.
♥ that's when this world will be whole.
[13]
i hope i can learn to live without you.
this half-hearted existence isn't doing anyone any good.
[14]
&; you're the biggest incentive i've ever had to be perfect.
[15]
my inability to fake an emotion, to hide the resentment in my baby face,
to spark a wet log, will destroy my future. i will become a celibate loner,
a forgotten mar on the canvas of my classmates, a pair of left feet to be
stepped over. i just can't hand myself over to the world and let it mold me
into something it desires. i'm burning even through this smile and sense
of complacency, a n d inarticulate immune system. i only hope to ignite
another.
[16]
and i'm forced into the walk of shame back into my own life. out of our
romanticized vortex, out of the time period when you called me gorgeous.
i avoid the judgmental stares, and focus on all of your bad qualities, the
way you can't spell "desirable." and i think of how differentthings would
be if y o u r m i n d was reliable. you know i would still die for you.
[17]
i don't know if i was ready to feel this much.
i don't know if i'll ever be♥
[18]
it was a moment too precious toc a p t u r ein words, too ethereal to
verbally depict. my linguistics are failing me, i can't bring the
balance of the world into these unsteady sentences. & these words
will dissipate, but the memory won't, i won't let it.
[19]
my thumbs are physically incapable
of not texting you back. xoxo
[20]
i rub over the glossy prints of our past every evening as i drift
into my personal hemisphere. i run through your words, i im-
agine the affection soaking through my skin again. i can still
feel the warmth of your hand radiating through my shirt. you
left an imprint on my back when you held me so close. i can't
let you go.
[21]
we have evolved into a society that rejects the ordinary, the average, the
seemingly normal. we steer away from the transparent and the cordial,
the typical. we direct ourselves into the bizarre and extraterrestrial and
unseen, unequivocal. we've stopped having appreciation for the every-
day aspects of this world and the comfort that can be delvedi n t owith the
sip of a warm cup of cocoa. holly housewife is no longer seen as admirable
and B's in school are no longer acceptable. the girl who sits in the back of
the classroom and never shouts out is classified as having no personality.
we refuse to p e e l b a c k the layers of others, and so we force our own polka
dotted pigmentations to embolden themselves, to be more clearly visible.
we emphasize our own quirks in a desperate attempt to be that one special
commodity society is looking for, without realizing that everyone else is
doing the same. we have individualized the world to the point of insanity,
and forced the anomalies into the role of the desirable. we are no longer a
whole, working in tandem to create a world better suited to live in, but in-
stead we are m i l l i o n s of unique attributes unable to collaborate. we are
all in the same glass sphere and we are all desperate for the spotlight.
[ my thoughts ]
alrightoo so i'm having an issue. there's this guy
i'm pretty much crazy about - he's what all the quotes
are basically about :P - but he's treated me kinda bad
in the past. he has apologized and stuff but i dunno.
so i'm trying to decide whether i should try to talk to
him a little as friends this summer. do you all think
i should text him at some point? or wait for him to
talk to me? advice would be mucho appreciated <3
thank you all :)
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